Chapter 29

Days began to pass in a blur and I busied myself in the office. I avoided spending time with anyone. I would speak to Vero, Clair, Lorna and Jordan on the phone occasionally but refused to go anywhere with them or do anything that meant leaving the house other than to go to the office or hold kung fu practice. I would never have anyone round at the house and I became a bit of a hermit.

I stopped going to all the hockey games and kept a strictly professional attitude when conducting the kung fu lessons. They has all passed their first grading and it was soon time for their second one and Ray had said he would organise another instructor to help with the gradings, these had to be supervised by another qualified instructor.

I still felt empty and completely heartbroken, I missed Tyler more than words could explain and I continued to love him more each day. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to hurt him but I couldn’t, when I was honest with myself what I really wanted was to have him back, to hold him in my arms again. Not only did I miss Tyler but I missed the team, in such a short time they had become such good friends and now I have no one.

I had not had a good nights sleep in so long, every night was riddled with nightmares and I woke up in a cold sweat almost every night, I got to the stage that I was to scared to even go to sleep. I would cuddle up with Tylers jumper, letting his scent soothe me until I had no choice but to close my eyes and let sleep take over.

I still had not opened the envelope that Tyler had left the night he finished with me. I couldn’t bring myself to find out what it contained and for once the feeling of curiosity did not over power me.

I tormented myself by watching all of his interviews and such like, it was the only way to know that he was still ok and I could tell that he was not very happy, when he smiled it never reached his eyes and the contagiousness of his smile was missing, I wanted to make it better but he was the cause, he brought it on himself and for all I know that may not even be the reason of his unhappy face.

A month had passed and Tyler and I had still not spoken and soon it was time for him to be my volunteer at kung fu again and I dreaded it.

“Right I believe everyone has had their turn at being my volunteer so we shall start at the beginning and work in the same order as we did the last time so if my memory serves me right then it is your turn Tyler.” I announce as I stand in front of the class, the heart beating ridiculously fast.

I heard a few gasps and could see the look of worry on everyone’s faces but Tyler still just looked with no emotion, his eyes still cold.

We completed our warm up and then carried out our leg stretching. I could feel that when he felt my touch he was shaking. I could feel his body quiver and emotion beginning to appear in his eyes but instead of making me feel better I seemed to get angrier by the minute.

“Ok guys, we are going to do some self defense again today.” I announced to everyone.

I was pretty forceful with Tyler and managed to get him to the floor several times without any effort. I knew my limits and I knew what I could do without hurting him as we had practised kung fu and strengthening exercises when we were still together. I did not want to hurt him I just want to humiliate him, to make him see how much he has hurt me, to make his feel weak in front of his friends. He didn’t really put up much of a fight and I knew that I was getting to him. I got a few concerning glances from the guys but at the moment Tyler was my only focus.

The class was over soon enough and when the last of the team were gone I locked the door, curled up in a ball and broke down in tears, holding my knees to my chest I cried so hard still feeling completely heartbroken and hurt beyond words. I knew that I should have waited until I got home but I was hurting so much, the pain was to much to deal with any more.

‘I know that I have got to him today, I thought it would make me feel better if I hurt him but I think it has made me feel worse. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse but the pain is just unbearable.'