Hi all.
Just a quick note to say thanks for continuing to read my story I hope you are all still enjoying it. I will get a new chapter posted in a few days. We were on holiday last week and have been pretty busy since we got back, still off work for another week so will get a chapter posted soon,
On another note I have some news, I am 12 weeks pregnant and very very happy about it.
Thanks again for your continued support, I much appreciate all the comments.
Take care all xx
Sunday 30 August 2009
Thursday 20 August 2009
Chapter 29
Days began to pass in a blur and I busied myself in the office. I avoided spending time with anyone. I would speak to Vero, Clair, Lorna and Jordan on the phone occasionally but refused to go anywhere with them or do anything that meant leaving the house other than to go to the office or hold kung fu practice. I would never have anyone round at the house and I became a bit of a hermit.
I stopped going to all the hockey games and kept a strictly professional attitude when conducting the kung fu lessons. They has all passed their first grading and it was soon time for their second one and Ray had said he would organise another instructor to help with the gradings, these had to be supervised by another qualified instructor.
I still felt empty and completely heartbroken, I missed Tyler more than words could explain and I continued to love him more each day. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to hurt him but I couldn’t, when I was honest with myself what I really wanted was to have him back, to hold him in my arms again. Not only did I miss Tyler but I missed the team, in such a short time they had become such good friends and now I have no one.
I had not had a good nights sleep in so long, every night was riddled with nightmares and I woke up in a cold sweat almost every night, I got to the stage that I was to scared to even go to sleep. I would cuddle up with Tylers jumper, letting his scent soothe me until I had no choice but to close my eyes and let sleep take over.
I still had not opened the envelope that Tyler had left the night he finished with me. I couldn’t bring myself to find out what it contained and for once the feeling of curiosity did not over power me.
I tormented myself by watching all of his interviews and such like, it was the only way to know that he was still ok and I could tell that he was not very happy, when he smiled it never reached his eyes and the contagiousness of his smile was missing, I wanted to make it better but he was the cause, he brought it on himself and for all I know that may not even be the reason of his unhappy face.
A month had passed and Tyler and I had still not spoken and soon it was time for him to be my volunteer at kung fu again and I dreaded it.
“Right I believe everyone has had their turn at being my volunteer so we shall start at the beginning and work in the same order as we did the last time so if my memory serves me right then it is your turn Tyler.” I announce as I stand in front of the class, the heart beating ridiculously fast.
I heard a few gasps and could see the look of worry on everyone’s faces but Tyler still just looked with no emotion, his eyes still cold.
We completed our warm up and then carried out our leg stretching. I could feel that when he felt my touch he was shaking. I could feel his body quiver and emotion beginning to appear in his eyes but instead of making me feel better I seemed to get angrier by the minute.
“Ok guys, we are going to do some self defense again today.” I announced to everyone.
I was pretty forceful with Tyler and managed to get him to the floor several times without any effort. I knew my limits and I knew what I could do without hurting him as we had practised kung fu and strengthening exercises when we were still together. I did not want to hurt him I just want to humiliate him, to make him see how much he has hurt me, to make his feel weak in front of his friends. He didn’t really put up much of a fight and I knew that I was getting to him. I got a few concerning glances from the guys but at the moment Tyler was my only focus.
The class was over soon enough and when the last of the team were gone I locked the door, curled up in a ball and broke down in tears, holding my knees to my chest I cried so hard still feeling completely heartbroken and hurt beyond words. I knew that I should have waited until I got home but I was hurting so much, the pain was to much to deal with any more.
‘I know that I have got to him today, I thought it would make me feel better if I hurt him but I think it has made me feel worse. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse but the pain is just unbearable.'
I stopped going to all the hockey games and kept a strictly professional attitude when conducting the kung fu lessons. They has all passed their first grading and it was soon time for their second one and Ray had said he would organise another instructor to help with the gradings, these had to be supervised by another qualified instructor.
I still felt empty and completely heartbroken, I missed Tyler more than words could explain and I continued to love him more each day. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to hurt him but I couldn’t, when I was honest with myself what I really wanted was to have him back, to hold him in my arms again. Not only did I miss Tyler but I missed the team, in such a short time they had become such good friends and now I have no one.
I had not had a good nights sleep in so long, every night was riddled with nightmares and I woke up in a cold sweat almost every night, I got to the stage that I was to scared to even go to sleep. I would cuddle up with Tylers jumper, letting his scent soothe me until I had no choice but to close my eyes and let sleep take over.
I still had not opened the envelope that Tyler had left the night he finished with me. I couldn’t bring myself to find out what it contained and for once the feeling of curiosity did not over power me.
I tormented myself by watching all of his interviews and such like, it was the only way to know that he was still ok and I could tell that he was not very happy, when he smiled it never reached his eyes and the contagiousness of his smile was missing, I wanted to make it better but he was the cause, he brought it on himself and for all I know that may not even be the reason of his unhappy face.
A month had passed and Tyler and I had still not spoken and soon it was time for him to be my volunteer at kung fu again and I dreaded it.
“Right I believe everyone has had their turn at being my volunteer so we shall start at the beginning and work in the same order as we did the last time so if my memory serves me right then it is your turn Tyler.” I announce as I stand in front of the class, the heart beating ridiculously fast.
I heard a few gasps and could see the look of worry on everyone’s faces but Tyler still just looked with no emotion, his eyes still cold.
We completed our warm up and then carried out our leg stretching. I could feel that when he felt my touch he was shaking. I could feel his body quiver and emotion beginning to appear in his eyes but instead of making me feel better I seemed to get angrier by the minute.
“Ok guys, we are going to do some self defense again today.” I announced to everyone.
I was pretty forceful with Tyler and managed to get him to the floor several times without any effort. I knew my limits and I knew what I could do without hurting him as we had practised kung fu and strengthening exercises when we were still together. I did not want to hurt him I just want to humiliate him, to make him see how much he has hurt me, to make his feel weak in front of his friends. He didn’t really put up much of a fight and I knew that I was getting to him. I got a few concerning glances from the guys but at the moment Tyler was my only focus.
The class was over soon enough and when the last of the team were gone I locked the door, curled up in a ball and broke down in tears, holding my knees to my chest I cried so hard still feeling completely heartbroken and hurt beyond words. I knew that I should have waited until I got home but I was hurting so much, the pain was to much to deal with any more.
‘I know that I have got to him today, I thought it would make me feel better if I hurt him but I think it has made me feel worse. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse but the pain is just unbearable.'
Friday 14 August 2009
Chapter 28
I woke up feeling completely empty and sick to the bone but I got up and changed into my running gear, putting on my MP3 player I left the house for my usual morning run.
When I got back to the house Jordan was walking down the stairs.
“Morning Gill, how are you feeling?” He asked sleepily looking like he has only had about an hours sleep. He walked towards me only wearing boxer shorts and socks giving me a kiss on my forehead before heading past me to the kitchen.
“To be honest I feel numb, completely empty and sick to the bone all at the same time but I have to get on with my normal routine or I will drive myself insane. How are you? Would you like to join me for a swim?” I ask following him into the kitchen placing my water bottle and my IPod down on the kitchen counter.
Jordan helps himself to fruit juice and starts to boil the kettle as if he was at home.
“I am fine thanks other than having very cold feet, I love your house but you really need to consider getting carpets, I hate having cold feet, it is the one thing in this world that frustrates me.
“Have you not just been for a run? I suppose I could join you in the pool.”
“I don’t need carpets, I have under floor heating so if your feet are cold switch that on and you spend most of your time on ice so I thought your feet would be immune to the cold. I have just been for a 5 mile run and now I will swim 100 lengths. I am just going for a quick shower so I will meet you in the pool.”
I swam my 100 lengths and Jordan stopped at about 70.
“Jesus Gill, I can’t believe you are so damn fit, I don’t think TK was joking when he said that you were fitter than us all put together.”
I felt my eyes stinging again as I heard his name knowing that I will have to stop that if I am to hold a kung fu lesson this afternoon. I am dreading it, I don’t know how I am going to get through the 2 hours.
“I am so sorry Gill, it has become habit so quickly to associate you with Tyler. I wish I could take your pain away.”
We left the pool fairly quickly and Jordan very kindly made pancakes for breakfast and shortly later I managed to convince him to go home.
“I promise I will be ok on my own, I won’t do anything stupid and I will see you at kung fu this afternoon.”
I sent Lorna a text to let her know what has happened.
‘Hey Lor, don’t say anything to anyone but Tyler has broken up with me, I am completely broken hearted. I will see you tomorrow.’
I got a reply when she was on her lunch.
‘I am so sorry Gill, if you want me to do anything please call me, day or night I am here for you.’
The rest of the day the passed fairly quickly as I busied myself with work that I had taken home and before I knew it, it was time to leave for the arena.
I busied myself in the training room when I heard all the boys coming along. I swallowed hard and forced away the tears that were forming determined not to show emotion when everyone was here.
“Right guys, who is going to be my volunteer this week?”
Most of the guys raised there hands so I decided to choose Jordan, I knew that I could be comfortable with him and that he knew about Tyler and I, I was very unsure if anyone else knew. I made a mental note to try and keep the news out of the press, I can’t handle the jibes and such like that were inevitable.
The class went well but when I was giving my instructions for the next lesson I accidentally made eye contact with Tyler, his look was so cold, how could he have no feelings left for me, how could he act like nothing has happened? I suddenly had flash back to when the girls were round and I sang Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, that song is so fitting for this moment.
When I got back to the house Jordan was walking down the stairs.
“Morning Gill, how are you feeling?” He asked sleepily looking like he has only had about an hours sleep. He walked towards me only wearing boxer shorts and socks giving me a kiss on my forehead before heading past me to the kitchen.
“To be honest I feel numb, completely empty and sick to the bone all at the same time but I have to get on with my normal routine or I will drive myself insane. How are you? Would you like to join me for a swim?” I ask following him into the kitchen placing my water bottle and my IPod down on the kitchen counter.
Jordan helps himself to fruit juice and starts to boil the kettle as if he was at home.
“I am fine thanks other than having very cold feet, I love your house but you really need to consider getting carpets, I hate having cold feet, it is the one thing in this world that frustrates me.
“Have you not just been for a run? I suppose I could join you in the pool.”
“I don’t need carpets, I have under floor heating so if your feet are cold switch that on and you spend most of your time on ice so I thought your feet would be immune to the cold. I have just been for a 5 mile run and now I will swim 100 lengths. I am just going for a quick shower so I will meet you in the pool.”
I swam my 100 lengths and Jordan stopped at about 70.
“Jesus Gill, I can’t believe you are so damn fit, I don’t think TK was joking when he said that you were fitter than us all put together.”
I felt my eyes stinging again as I heard his name knowing that I will have to stop that if I am to hold a kung fu lesson this afternoon. I am dreading it, I don’t know how I am going to get through the 2 hours.
“I am so sorry Gill, it has become habit so quickly to associate you with Tyler. I wish I could take your pain away.”
We left the pool fairly quickly and Jordan very kindly made pancakes for breakfast and shortly later I managed to convince him to go home.
“I promise I will be ok on my own, I won’t do anything stupid and I will see you at kung fu this afternoon.”
I sent Lorna a text to let her know what has happened.
‘Hey Lor, don’t say anything to anyone but Tyler has broken up with me, I am completely broken hearted. I will see you tomorrow.’
I got a reply when she was on her lunch.
‘I am so sorry Gill, if you want me to do anything please call me, day or night I am here for you.’
The rest of the day the passed fairly quickly as I busied myself with work that I had taken home and before I knew it, it was time to leave for the arena.
I busied myself in the training room when I heard all the boys coming along. I swallowed hard and forced away the tears that were forming determined not to show emotion when everyone was here.
“Right guys, who is going to be my volunteer this week?”
Most of the guys raised there hands so I decided to choose Jordan, I knew that I could be comfortable with him and that he knew about Tyler and I, I was very unsure if anyone else knew. I made a mental note to try and keep the news out of the press, I can’t handle the jibes and such like that were inevitable.
The class went well but when I was giving my instructions for the next lesson I accidentally made eye contact with Tyler, his look was so cold, how could he have no feelings left for me, how could he act like nothing has happened? I suddenly had flash back to when the girls were round and I sang Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, that song is so fitting for this moment.
Sunday 2 August 2009
Chapter 27
I heard my phone ring over and over again but I just couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and definitely did not want to see anyone.
I don’t know how long I had been sitting on the cold marble floor crying for when I heard the front door open. I jumped up from the floor getting such a fright at hearing someone in my house and opened the living room door to see Jordan walking towards me.
I just stood there staring at him, tears still flowing constantly from my eyes, I felt like a completely helpless child unable to move.
“Oh Gill what has he done?” Jordan reaches me and pulls me into him and as he does I once again break down, my whole body shaking as I feel my heart breaking further. He guided me back through to the living room and sat me down on one of the sofas letting me cry into his chest for as long as I needed him. His body was warm and it felt strange after sitting on the cold floor for so long.
“What has happened Gill? I just got a text from TK not long after I got home saying that he thought I should come round because you may need a friend at the moment. Talk to me, please. Why is he not here comforting you?”
I eventually sat up and looked at him, tears still flowing freely from my eyes.
‘I must look awful.’
Eventually I managed to find my voice after unsuccessfully trying to explain things a few times previously.
“He finished with me Jordan and I don’t know why. He told me he loves me and missed me when he was away but it is too hard and he thinks it is the right thing to do. I don’t understand Jordan, I know we have only been together a couple of weeks and I never expected to fall in love with him especially this quickly but he has broken my heart, I feel empty and sick, it is such a horrible feeling and I feel so stupid being this torn apart over the relationship since it was all still so new.”
I broke down again, unable to contain my emotions. Jordan pulled me close to him again, holding me against his strong body, I took a deep breathe taking in his scent.
‘He is going to make someone very happy when he finds the right woman. He has become like a little brother to me even though I have not known him for long, I feel like we have a connection.’
“I don’t understand either Gill. All he talked about when we were away was you and how he couldn’t wait to see you again. He does love you please believe me when I say that and I will do everything I can to make this better.”
“Thanks Jordan, you are so good to me. I am so sorry for dragging you out when you just got home, you must have so many places you would rather be.”
“Don’t be silly, we are friends Gill and as you told me not so long ago I am here for you any time you want and my shoulders are stronger than yours so I can carry more tears.” He answers trying to make me laugh.
I lay on the sofa with my head on Jordans lap for what felt like hours, he stroked my hair while I stared into space, eventually the tears drying up. ‘I feel so empty and alone, I cant believe I was so foolish to fall in love with Tyler so quickly but he made me so happy and I want nothing more than for him to walk in here and tell me that he was joking and that he takes it all back...! Stop being an idiot Gill, if he is going to treat you like that then he does not deserve you. I wish I could hate him but I can’t.’
“Gill sweetie, come on, lets get you up to bed. If you don’t mind I am going to sleep in your guest bedroom tonight just in case you need me.” Jordan didn’t bother to let me answer he just picked me up in his arms bridal style and carried me to my bedroom laying me gently on the bed.
“Goodnight Gill, try and get some sleep.”
I curled up under the covers without even changing my clothes and much to my surprise I fell fast asleep.
I don’t know how long I had been sitting on the cold marble floor crying for when I heard the front door open. I jumped up from the floor getting such a fright at hearing someone in my house and opened the living room door to see Jordan walking towards me.
I just stood there staring at him, tears still flowing constantly from my eyes, I felt like a completely helpless child unable to move.
“Oh Gill what has he done?” Jordan reaches me and pulls me into him and as he does I once again break down, my whole body shaking as I feel my heart breaking further. He guided me back through to the living room and sat me down on one of the sofas letting me cry into his chest for as long as I needed him. His body was warm and it felt strange after sitting on the cold floor for so long.
“What has happened Gill? I just got a text from TK not long after I got home saying that he thought I should come round because you may need a friend at the moment. Talk to me, please. Why is he not here comforting you?”
I eventually sat up and looked at him, tears still flowing freely from my eyes.
‘I must look awful.’
Eventually I managed to find my voice after unsuccessfully trying to explain things a few times previously.
“He finished with me Jordan and I don’t know why. He told me he loves me and missed me when he was away but it is too hard and he thinks it is the right thing to do. I don’t understand Jordan, I know we have only been together a couple of weeks and I never expected to fall in love with him especially this quickly but he has broken my heart, I feel empty and sick, it is such a horrible feeling and I feel so stupid being this torn apart over the relationship since it was all still so new.”
I broke down again, unable to contain my emotions. Jordan pulled me close to him again, holding me against his strong body, I took a deep breathe taking in his scent.
‘He is going to make someone very happy when he finds the right woman. He has become like a little brother to me even though I have not known him for long, I feel like we have a connection.’
“I don’t understand either Gill. All he talked about when we were away was you and how he couldn’t wait to see you again. He does love you please believe me when I say that and I will do everything I can to make this better.”
“Thanks Jordan, you are so good to me. I am so sorry for dragging you out when you just got home, you must have so many places you would rather be.”
“Don’t be silly, we are friends Gill and as you told me not so long ago I am here for you any time you want and my shoulders are stronger than yours so I can carry more tears.” He answers trying to make me laugh.
I lay on the sofa with my head on Jordans lap for what felt like hours, he stroked my hair while I stared into space, eventually the tears drying up. ‘I feel so empty and alone, I cant believe I was so foolish to fall in love with Tyler so quickly but he made me so happy and I want nothing more than for him to walk in here and tell me that he was joking and that he takes it all back...! Stop being an idiot Gill, if he is going to treat you like that then he does not deserve you. I wish I could hate him but I can’t.’
“Gill sweetie, come on, lets get you up to bed. If you don’t mind I am going to sleep in your guest bedroom tonight just in case you need me.” Jordan didn’t bother to let me answer he just picked me up in his arms bridal style and carried me to my bedroom laying me gently on the bed.
“Goodnight Gill, try and get some sleep.”
I curled up under the covers without even changing my clothes and much to my surprise I fell fast asleep.
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